its jOs...

why is it still FREEZING outside?
does anyone know?
oh wait i do
Global Fucking Warming...

warming? they call it?
its cold not warm, yeah we had a few warm days a few weeks ago but now its as cold as canada... burrr

i just want to be able to wear my crocs and not have frozen toes
is that so much to ask?
55 60 65 50 ill even take 50
just not 40
errr

wasnt it supposed to be 50 by now?
its almost april it should be getting warm isnt it almost spring?
its supposed to be 50's 6o's in spring

2 songs
2 songs i cant get out of my head
they play in silence
maybe its the beat
maybe its the words
maybe its the videos
2 songs not typical for my linking
everyone knows im in over my head, over my head...
my life is brilliant, my love is pure....
they play all day in my head
i feel them all day in my lips
im not mad anymore
i was earlier
i was angry
i was annoyed
i was discouraged
now
i dont care about that "issue"
that employment problem
fuck them all is all i can say
its their loss
those fucking bastards
mother fuck fuck
so maybe i am still i little angry, its just so stupid, i am a fucking educated relativilty good looking young white woman with larger breasts cant some racist/sexist bastard hire me?
not that id want to work for them but thats not the point
its not supposed to be this HARD for someone like myself to find a job
any job
im not being picky
ill do jsut about anything legal and over min wage
haha
there goes the song again
your beautiful your beautiful its true...
but yeah when i tell people im looking for a job and i have been for 6 mons they are always SHOCKED, and you know what they should be, YOU should be it does MAKE no sense
i feel like im blacklisted
like im branded
like i have a tattoo on my face that says "dont do it" or "shes not the one" or "moron" or i donno something like that...
and it also FUCKING pisses me off that the mother fuckers, are all nice to me, and act all impressed with my experiences and start talking like i work there and then say they are going to call me back and NEVER call, NEVER even email, like come on dont act like everythings all grand and say your going to call and dont...
there goes the other song
shes on your mind, shes on your mind...
thats why its me
thats why something is wrong with me
something is W R O N G with jOs
she is the one
it is her fault
she is
she is something
thats the only explination
all 600 people a have applied with
and all 20 iterviewers cant be dumb mother fuckers
its got to be me
thats the only answser
2 songs..
1 answser...

#1... " now i cant sleep, im barley hanging on, here i am , once again, im torn into peices..."

#2... " When you feel you have had it up to here Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear My life is full of empty promises And broken dreams I'm hoping things will look up
But there ain't no job openings"

#3..."im empty since you left me, trying to find a way to carry on, search myself and everyone..."

#4...i never knew, i never knew that everything was falling through that everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth But that's how it's got to be It's coming down to nothing more than apathy I'd rather run the other way than stay and see The smoke and who's still standing when it clears ..."

#5..."things cant get any worse, night is getting colder, sometimes life feels like its a curse, i cant carry these sins on my back, dont wannt carry anymore"



that about sums up my life right now...

i donno i donno anything at least thats how i feel today thats how the make me feel
thats what the evidence shows
the facts add up to me, jOs, not knowing a damn thing
right?
of course
if i knew something i wouldnt sit home all day writing blogs and searching for a job
because id have a job so id be at work sitting all day...duh
if i knew anything it would be reflected on my resume and one of the 600 places i applied to in the past 3 months would call me ... right?
i donno
i donno what the hell im talking about
i donno anything remember?
why are you reading this?
i donno
oh wait no one reads this because i donno a damn thing
and if someone is reading this why the hell are you?
you must be more bored then i am....
or maybe you want to know what it feels like to be a 23 year old college educated, working for 8 years unemployed white girl from westport ct... yes westport ct the former home of martha stewart, the home of mike bolotn, phill donahue, the newmans and many other famous and rich well off people...
if you havent noticed by now i am certinally not one of them...
im not at all fortunate...
hell i cant even get a retail job that high school kids work
that immigrants work
that retired people work
that that that
anyone but me works
because i donno...
i feel like im a felon or something, no im sorry we cant hire you because your a CRIMINAL... well im not a criminal but at least if i was there would be a reason why i couldnt get a job
oh wait
nevermind
thats a poor excus becuase many felons work
rapists work
murderers work
child abusers work
frauds work
everyone works except for me
why why why why why???
someone tell me why because i donno
i dont have a fucking clue why i cant find a fucking job anywhere
what that fuck is so wrong with me?
huh?
my life sucks
at least there is jen
and nan
thats all ive got that i like
and my car... sometimes...
and my camera
its so sad
its so pathetic
its so rediculous
its so INSANE
i donno
do i even make sense?
does anyone even understand me?
the words comming out of my fingers?
....
i donno

its been bothering me for some time now its been eating at me what is it about me that makes me unemployable?
why doesnt anyone respond to my emails?
why do they always say "we will get back to you" and N E V E R do?
ive applied to over 500 jobs since august 2005
ive had under 15 interviews
and
no offers
am i too ugly to work there ? is usually my first thought
followed by
what did i say wrong?
what did i do wrong?
did i smell?
was i dressed too casual or too business?
it was my fault
but was it?
i dont think i did anything
in fact on over half of those interviews the interviewer seemed to like me to like what i said to like my qualifications it doesnt add up
then i hear Madonnas voice "do i have to change my name? will it get me far? should i loose some weight?"
ahhhhha
i have experience, experience with people, with helping people, with organizing people,with management or people and thing, with administrative things, with communicating, with writing, with money, with computer, with kids/teens with with with ALOT and i have a BACHELORS DEGREE which honeslty doesnt seem to mean ANYTHING for me, Ive even considered pretending i didnt have one to see if that helped...
just for the record i have meet or gone above the requirements for 85% of the jobs i applied to/for
it just makes me sick
makes my stomach turn
makes my head hurt
i don't know how much longer i can keep this up
keep trying
keep doing anything
and
all i can continue to wonder is :
is it me?
did i cause this?
what bad horrible thing did i do to deserve this?
havent i FUCKING suffered enough?
i know i have
i pretty much suffered since birth
just about
suffered everday for 23 and 1/2 years
maybe a total of 22 years
which is still like 90% of my life
why do i suffer?
is there a god
and is he or she horribly mad at me?
i need answer
i need to know why
why this is happening
and
why to me?
i cant help but think if i knew why then id be able to remedy the problem

im supposta be doing my skool work
im supposta clean
im supposta work out
but
i cant because i keep look for clues about you
maybe not clues
maybe more along the lines of pictures?
no
thoughts
words
moments
thoughts to remember
words to read
moments we share(d)
i hope for more
many more
thoughts
words
moments

empty
nothing...
whats to come?
what to do?
where will i go?
why do i have so many questions?
why dont the cease?
where will i find anwsers?
where will i find peace?
why am i hungry at 10:39pm?
bizzare
out of character
just like that jump in my mind
my thoughts do that some times
its odd
its confusing
its well
its jOs
and
jOs is me
and
nothing
nothing at all is sparking my interest
nothing is going on
inside
or
out
so nothing is the word of the day...
well maybe just of the hour...
yeah of the hour

i wait for your words
i look for your words
i feel your words
he said it right
when he said

does anyone read this?
is anyone reading?
how do we know if anyone pays attention?
does it even matter?
i listen to the same few songs
over
and
over
i look at the same few things
day in
and
day out
they still bring satisfaction
joy
contentness
why?
after hearing the same words 45 times
in one day
would i still want to hear them again?
does anyone know?
i sometimes wonder
what keeps me going?
keeps me fighting?
keeps me thinking?
keeps me caring?
keeps me away from an excused statisitc?
why do some fall into excuses while others dont?
why am i one of the ones here?
why am i one of the ones not wickdly effected to the point of total numbness?
why do i still feel?
why do i still breathe?
why?
why arent i addicted?
why arent i drugged?
questions i often contemplate with out reslove
questions that make me wonder...
questions that will always be unanwsered
.... the phone rings....
employment agency
how is it that i can get a call for a job (that has nothing to do with anything ive done or care to do or know about) from an agency that i didnt even apply to int he first place... yet non of the 300 companies that i applyed (things i know, care about, understand and want to do) to can even send me an email?
what the fuck is that about?
really?
what would make someone think that a college graduate with a degree in communications and work expereicen with customers/manangment and volunteering would want to do data entry for an accontant???
i cant balance a check book
i take that back i can
the balance is whatever the website says
why would i want to work for a accontant?
what on my resume makes you think id want to work or be a candiate to work there i say?
well you have strong computer skills and a college degree
....
so do like 5000000 other people in this county alone
omg
im hungry
i need more coffee
i think i have an interview
i think i said id go in
why the hell did i do that?
what was i thinking?
oh well
hey
ps
if you just read this can you like leave a comment or something saying nothing more then read or x or - just so i know its been read
of course if you have a real comment that would be nice too
coffee here i come...

im hungry
but i just ate
2 hours ago...
cereal w/soy milk.. yummy
im annoyed
for no reason...
atleast i can pinpoint one...
i feel worthless
but why?
maybe becuase...
i do the same thing everyday
i see the same things everyday
i am the same everyday
why?
i want to change
no
i want to make a change
no
i want to lead change
not within myself
but
within this generation
my generation
generation apathy
i was born into the wrong decade
or was i?
i was born into the wrong family
or was i?
i was definitely born
but why?
what for?
what im i supposed to do?
how am i supposed to help?
what am i supposed to teach?
and
to whom?
maybe i just need a job?
well i know i do
but...
who wants to hire a young college educated girl anymore?
thats so untrendy
so uncool
so unrealisitc
what am i thinking
a college degree means nothing
most of the richest people in the world dont have them
why high schools convince teens to go to college to get a degree to get a high paying job?
why do teens believe that crap?
what the fuck is wrong with everyone?
college degree = umm nothing?
or maybe im the delusional
crazy
way out there
unemployable
fool
with too much desire
and
too much knowldge
???
im thursty
im mad
im sad
im
im
im jOs
and
this post is a great introduction to me
i think
i didnt read it back yet
i dont think i will either
no spell check either
spell check is for wimps
peace out-

right now i have nothing to say... im sure i'll have something later...
peace-